Wow, I haven’t been compelled to write in a very long time. I suppose there is a time and place for everything - Tumblr just happens to be this time and place.

How am I supposed to win a game that I don’t even know I’m playing? How am I supposed to win a race that I don’t even know I’m running? When people keep count of my shortcomings and failures, it makes it pretty difficult to move forward. I understand that I’ve done some wrong, but does that make me a villain? Far from it. I’ve definitely had some mistakes, but does that make me a criminal? I sure hope not. And yet that’s all I feel like when I’m reminded of all that I could have done better. 

I hate this feeling more than anything. It’s like just when I thought I was doing better; just when I thought I had a good head on my shoulders, someone comes along and says “AHHH, waaatch it, you’re gonna fck up like you did before!” How do you respond to that? What do you say?

Most of the time, it’s not too much of a big deal to me, especially if it comes from someone whose opinion I don’t particularly care about. Sometimes though, it comes from people whose opinion I DO care about and that’s when it gets kind of difficult. All the affirmation, support, and love you expect is suddenly vanished and all hope seems gone in a second.

Like trust, HOPE can take an eternity to gain, but can be lost in a matter of moments. I feel like when you lose trust in me, I lose hope in myself. 

& that doesn’t just break my heart; it’s shattered. Now I must pick up my pieces.

Love in sanity,

L